Have you been out today?

Not before time. Plain = evil.
Milk= good.
You're either with us or against us.

 

"Plain = evil"

That's right. The devil has all the best biscuits.

 

Now, both plain chocolate and milk chocolate have and deserve a place in our world and the same goes for their buscuit equivalents. Plain chocolate should be taken in small quantities when you are feeling clever and wish to behave in a refined manner, perhaps in the company of those closest to you. It's a bit like wine. The more expensive it is, the more you should take your time, chose how to enjoy it, make a bit of a meal of the whole thing. Milk chocolate, on the other hand, is like a cheap whore. Bad for you. Best enjoyed privately and in much larger quantities. One should never admit to eating it. It is perfectly acceptable to feel guilty about it, but these feelings should never be passed on to anyone other than a fully qualified priest. Or dentist.

 

If I understand Anon's position correctly then the difference is thus:

Plain chocolate is for unhappy people who like to assume an air of sophistication, even when eating a biscuit.

Milk chocolate is a more honest and "down to earth" form of sweetie for people who revel in lifes physical pleasures, people unafraid to eat nature's good milk chocolate hobnobs and laugh in the face of heart disease, brave people, proud people, proud to grasp the nettle of things and shake it at societies stifling laws of etiquette, people who love life and life love and live loaf. Actually, if you eat milk chocolate you probably scorn brown bread. And quite rightly too! Stand up to the plain chocolate/brown bread fascists! Rise up and eat milk chocolate and beat your un-epicurean breast with glee, run through the streets in your tracksuit with milk chocolate smeared across your chin like war paint and ROAR! ROAR WITHOUT SHAME! ROAR IN THE FACES OF THE BOURNEVILLE BOURGEOISIE!!!

I think that's all I have to say on this matter.

 

I could actually be quite boring and slightly scientific about this. And do you know I think I shall. Your cheap whore milk chocolate will have a high sugar content and little by way of cocoa solids so you'll get a big old sugar rush kind of short-lived elation from it followed by a feeling of existential hollowness and regret as the effect wears off. Your expensive escort service dark chocolate (e.g. Green and Black's or something, not Bourneville) has high cocoa solid content and less sugar and will boost your endorphin levels most pleasantly without the subsequent dramatic comedown, the sobbing and the inevitable loss of self-respect, friends and teeth.

 

oh.

 

So what's the story with white chocolate?

 

It's solely for diminutive, myopic cowboys.

 

yee haa! Wassat you writ there sonny?

 

I also have a very severe cooking chocolate habit. That's not even real chocolate. It's some chocolate flavoured substance. I feel so dirty, but I just can't seem to stop it.

 

Oh dear. Perhaps there's a helpline you could call or something.